For Ty

It’s been a few years. I hope you’re ok. I think about you often.

Look, I’m sorry for not being a better person. During my ceremony I had this epiphany. We were bad off together you know? Your friends must’ve always known. I had to go, I didn’t know any other way. I couldn’t have left you if I saw you again. I didn’t want us to continue spiraling together. I didn’t want to be the reason holding you back. You deserve so much.

I’ve learned a lot since then. I know things I couldn’t have known then too. I found the tools we needed years ago but I can’t go back now that I have them. Are you still there? I hope you found your way out.
It turns out it’s up to everyone to find their own way. We would’ve stayed to enjoy the last bloom before the frost came only before being ruined too. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay. I was drowning and didn’t even know it until it was revealed to me.

Part of me knows you understand but I also know part of you may never forgive me for leaving. I hope you grew. I hope you chose life. And love. You were so beautiful to me. Pure of your self. I hope you never lose it. I can’t say the same for me. This world is ruthless and not many are strong enough to hold space for others the way you allowed me to expand in your presence. I got away as if my life depended on it, maybe it did, but I lost a lot too. I’ve expanded but I also feel like a mere shell. I hope you wouldn’t be disappointed of my ghost.

Nothing will ever be the same. The world itself is on its head. You were my best friend and I loved you. Part of me killed the last of you, but I hope not. I hope I was nothing.

I saw your shadow and it danced with mine. I was afraid. I didn’t want to get lost in the darkness. It was too comfortable and you made it feel like home. I’m sorry I had to go.

I’m doing ok. I’m finally confronting my depths. The universe has convicted me and I pray for deliverance.

Know I’ll always be in your corner.
Part of me wants all the nostalgia to die but I’m lonely without it. Nothing feels right anymore. I don’t know where I am. I drifted out and I’m lost. I can no longer phone a friend.
The universe keeps expanding and I feel myself stretching further from its center.
My parts are no longer connected and the spaces in between are vast
empty yet filled with the world’s clutter.
It envelops my fellow humans and the little ones freely dance in between
Tightly bound.

This is how I will go.
An echo that can no longer be heard, covered by resounding unimportant traffic. Drifting further into nothingness.

If I knew life was like this
I can’t say I would’ve chosen differently.
I had to give us a chance.
Our love kept us hunkered down,
or maybe we both knew
our time was fleeting.
The devil tricked me, the silly fool.
I pray god saved you.
Don’t look back. Always press forward. Hope hides behind the horizon.

I really have to go now. Please be careful weaving webs.
Stay grounded. Keep your soul planted.
Let love evolve you.
I choose to accept your lessons.

Thank you for everything.